Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.