This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
ok like just. call me at this point
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
This will never not be funny to me.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.