[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.