DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
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Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”