worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Feels
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.