Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
WHY?!
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild