It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
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I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
saving face 👀
Cndnsd Mlk
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
sin harder.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
is this store having a stroke wtf
Who called it baking and not making love
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020