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Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March