Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
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Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”