I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
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sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming