Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
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dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread