My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
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Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”