[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
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[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
What the dentist sees
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.