not seeing the problem
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[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.