Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
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Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you