[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
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It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
the icebreaker
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.