The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
You Might Also Like
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries