If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
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ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
For the baby who has everything
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.