When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
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A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
went fishing caught a bass
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]