Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
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Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I had to Stop for this
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
The Punning Dead.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.