More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
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Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.