Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
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FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Don’t we all.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.