I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
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Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect