Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
we all know this pain all too well