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ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]