[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
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[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes