Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
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“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
me
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh