[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep