I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
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Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?