App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I just love that new Pope smell.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Happens to everyone.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
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Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people