Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
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I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Software Development ⛵️
Kentucky names the shit out of places
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.