If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
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Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym