If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
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“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost