Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
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Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Attacked by a mop.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
for all #parents out there