I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
You are what you delete.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
doing your own taxes
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno