[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
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[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I feel it
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?