They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
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One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.