Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
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ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My background check bounced.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally