“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
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[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
mechanics be like
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!