the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
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the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.