Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”