Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
You Might Also Like
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
79.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?