In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
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I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
#Caturday
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd