Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
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My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here