When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
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Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…