Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
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God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff