If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
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Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.