Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
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You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂