there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.