My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
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He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
🤣😂
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
paddle faster i hear baby shark
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed